Ethical living-it's all about Gaia

Spurred on by Ethical Man, I give my own top ten tips for ethical living:

1. Fly less - scientists have shown that flying kills many plants each year and is cruel to others.
2. Use washable nappies. This means you will go to the lavatory less, thus reducing your use of precious water.
3. Also, use wine instead of water. Jesus started this, of course: an early and unrecognised green, and a martyr for the cause!
   
4. Insulate your mind - even a small chink has exposed many right-thinking people to disturbing ideas about morality entirely unrelated to the environment. Keep it green, cocoon it now!
5. Kill unwanted friends - it's amazing how large people's carbon footprints are. Turn them into a green whole-body outline instead.
6. Start composting unwanted portions of your anatomy. Meat makes really good compost and you'll never miss your left foot.
7. Eat babies, not plants. You know it pollutes less. Farm them in isolated and uncontroversial places that the UN has no interest in, like Darfur.
8. Eat more vegetarians. There are lots of recipes available and remember, the more people you eat, the more room for you on this overcrowded planet.
9. Use conventional, not nuclear, explosives. Much cleaner!
10. Try emulating the Khmer Rouge. They rarely used bullets (as they are highly polluting) preferring to bludgeon people to death with their rifle butts.

Remember, if you're ethical, Gaia will Lovelock you!