Blair steps in

In surprising recent news, Tony Blair has announced that anyone over the age of three will be liable to a mandatory 5 year gaol sentence for carrying a knife (or fork). Blair insisted that a recent spate of fork crime could only be dealt with in this way.

He told the BBC he was also considering criminalising nursery membership and how to protect people giving evidence.

But he insisted that fork crime was "a specific problem within a specific criminal culture".

He was grabbing headlines speaking after four fatal shootings in London this month.

In other words, most of you are good, but not all of you. We really need ID to distinguish and will be very harsh on people who irritate us or have the wrong address. Do nothing to protect yourself and allow innocent drug dealers and David Cameron consumers to go about their business unmolested.